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 Shivaji and his Magic Johnson

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Posted on 04-17-13 11:44 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Shivaji and his magic Johnson
Disclaimer: This post is purely fictional, resemblance to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental.  Also, there are some strong words directed towards few sajhaites, people who worship Shivaji and homosexuals, but only in jest. It should not be construed as a propagation of hatred or evil mockery of any kind. Also, please pardon grammatical errors, this was a quick write up later this morning (thanks to my mood swing). Happy hump day ya'll
I am not an atheist or a sexist, but when I witness several hundreds of women lined up for several hundred yards, along the perimeter of Pashupatinath’s main temple, only to worship an erect penis of some god which perhaps never exists, especially when they have a husband at home who is more than eager to get naked when drunk, I am concerned to say the least.
I am more concerned when men follow suit, for no apparent reason. I remember this guy walking around the main temple with his fingers clasped and his eyes closed – as if his sacrosanct self is more than keen to worship the coveted penis, yet too mortified to lay his eyes on it.
But what concerns me the most is - coming across individuals who are at peace with their wives who visit Pashupatinath every weekend to worship a strange man’s penis while they sip their morning coffee and flip through the daily newspaper as if nothing is happening.
Last time I checked, it was called infidelity.
But then I guess they were least bothered about their wives’ acts because maybe they, like I do, know that the particular god with that given name only exists in archaic books. I mean, seriously, why would anyone bother believing in a frightening blue man with an extra eye without a haircut who smoked weed all his life and is too stoned to even realize he has a serpent wrapped around his neck. And to make matters worse he also fathers that unlucky son who has a head of an elephant with humanoid limbs minus tail.
I had heard of crack babies, but a pot baby?? I didn’t believe it until I ran into Ganesh, his existence proves this theory - if a man who cannot think straight when not stoned has sex with a normal female, the baby looks like an animal.
No? There is a story behind it?
So tell me how does this skinny a$$ Ganesh who jumped up and down the battlefield like TO with the pigskin suddenly becomes fat after his loses his head (literally) and is replaced with one of an elephant? Doesn’t make sense.
“They worship a penis?” Rachel laughed. “Is he a porn star?’
“Yes he is” I had snapped “Just like that f@#*ing scarecrow you worship and call Jesus, and if he weren’t wearing that rag over his genitals, you guys would have been drinking the holy water out of his wrinkled Johnson.”
Next thing I knew Rachel wouldn’t touch my penis for a couple of days. In case you were wondering who Rachel is, she was my first girlfriend I was lucky enough to get laid with. Call me a late bloomer, but I never had sex with a girl before I set my foot in US.
“I think we should wait” were the words of my girlfriend back in Nepal when she got me all worked up in her sunny living room in near Samakhusi while her parents were away and I was about to pull down my blue Dora underwear. I had broken up with her next second.
See, I am a Nepali, and this should be clear to everyone - I love and hate the any given individual at the same time. I didn’t care about my dear god Shivaji until a while broad mocked about him. Also I did hate Paras (friggin’ sarkar my brown a$$) all these years, until that asshole had a heart attack. Few months ago I sent 50 dollars to do a pooja for his well being in Nepal and felt good about it. If he recuperates, I will start hating him again and would like that money back.
Speaking of getting laid with Rachel, I wonder why girls in Nepal ogled at Shivaji’s penis every weekend yet completely failed to acknowledge the fact their boyfriends, neighbors, classmates and  servants have a penis as well, which is always available, no queue ever, 100% free, and they could actually use it.
But they won’t ‘किनकी पाप लाग्छ’. Actually I know this extremely devout girl who joined her hands and closed her eyes the moment she laid her eyes on cucumbers, carrots, radishes, pop sickles, hot dogs, sharpies, needles and anything that was straight and erect. Okay maybe that was a little too much. Okay maybe I made that up. Actually I did make that up because few dimwit sajhaites will believe at everything and cannot tell between troll and thuldai before quickly putting forth their expert comments after a ten minute research (courtesy nepalibehuli’s thread and बोकाs who replied on it).
But not all women worship penis, mind you. I had this woman in my neighborhood who never cared about shivaji and his much desired Johnson.
“I worship Kaali maata” she had told me once.
If you carefully look at the picture between shivaji and kaali maata, you’d see a striking similarity, although in an odd way. Our dear blue man is naked waist down and that tongue wagging dark woman is nude belly up.
Now don’t even get me started.
Effing lesbian……
Last edited: 17-Apr-13 11:46 AM

 
Posted on 04-17-13 11:48 PM     [Snapshot: 211]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 Only you could write about Shivaji's phallic form in such an amiable manner. Very humorous - enjoyed every bit of it.

Maybe it is because I consider myself to be agnostic, but I could never fully grasp people's devoutness towards the phallic figure either. I didn't want to sound judgy, so I never questioned and/or inquired about the practice, but I bet I would've gotten a made up answer from some dogged fanatic if I did. Thanks to you, I skimmed through some articles today and learned that the Shiv Ling, depicted in consummate union with the vulva of Shakti, is representative of the most wonderful and miraculous feature of life itself. (Who are we f**king kidding?)

But then, that is third wave feminism right? Third-wave feminism takes a global perspective--not by merely attempting to colonize developing nations with Western practices, but by empowering women to actualize change, to gain power and equality, within their own cultures and their own communities and with their own voices. (not my words, would cite it if I had the source handy) However, women fasting for an entire day for their husband’s long life (Teej is partially about Shivaji too, right?) while husbands and fathers can’t even guarantee their parental property rights is baffling to me, to say the least.

A couple days ago, I read in the news that few locals beat up a lady and fed her feces accusing her of being a boksi. I forget who it was, but someone’s twitter read “Dhunga lai dudh khwaera manche lai disha khwaune desh mero”.

I apologize, I did not mean to hijack your creative piece with my rant – things like this get me going. Great piece!

 
Posted on 04-18-13 1:00 AM     [Snapshot: 260]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Just for the record, there are other religions that pray to the same organ.

http://www.cracked.com/article_16103_5-inspiring-religions-that-worship-penises.html

To be fair to hindus, they do not pray to the symbol thinking about sex. I guess it is our thoughts that are bad, not those symbols. :)


 
Posted on 04-18-13 7:17 AM     [Snapshot: 348]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Behoove_Me

Have you read Amish Tripathi's "The Immortals of Meluha" and the sequels "The Secret of the Nagas" and "The Oath of the Vayuputras"? If not, I'd say they are must reads (especially the second and third books). People have found them informative, even illuminating, but at a minimum they are very entertaining. They are also highly pertinent to the subject at hand

Best wishes.
Last edited: 18-Apr-13 07:29 AM

 
Posted on 04-18-13 7:24 AM     [Snapshot: 356]     Reply [Subscribe]
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nice wrtiting, lol
 
Posted on 04-18-13 9:02 AM     [Snapshot: 415]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Very entertaining Behoove! Might I add, I think we're not as religious as people as we make it out to be, it is merely cultural. Most people in Nepal are wired to do what everyone else is going, just like our rote learning in school, without much ado. I mean i used to go to pashupati a lot with my local friends, only because I knew the gals next door were also going :). Women go because all of their cousins or neighbors are also going.

By the way have you heard that joke about Mahadev and Kali mata, i am scared of telling it ‘किनकी पाप लाग्छ’

“Dhunga lai dudh khwaera manche lai disha khwaune desh mero”. Indeed!

 
Posted on 04-18-13 10:07 AM     [Snapshot: 454]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 A good read Behoove ji. 

 “Dhunga lai dudh khwaera manche lai disha khwaune desh mero” ------Well said Anney

 
Posted on 04-18-13 1:54 PM     [Snapshot: 600]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 रमाइलो छ
 
Posted on 04-18-13 4:14 PM     [Snapshot: 685]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 Even though i am not an athiest either and i do believe in that penis and i do have one of those in the small temple inside my room but i did enjoyed every bit of what you wrother behoove. As always good read. 
 
Posted on 04-18-13 4:38 PM     [Snapshot: 719]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Son ur rant is full of logical fallacies!!
 
Posted on 04-18-13 4:39 PM     [Snapshot: 723]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Loved the Dora kattu Ko part though!
 
Posted on 04-18-13 7:23 PM     [Snapshot: 827]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Beehove_me,
Loved it! I like the stories about our own Shivaji. Remember him handing out his warm semen to the hermit who asked for "Vikshya" while Shivaji n Parvati were making out. The hermit couldnt handle his hot bodily fluid that he ran away to the nearest pond and took a dive to cool down himself. Unfortunately the ladies taking bath at the pond got impregnated becasue Shivaji's semen got mixed with water via the hermit. And all the impregantaed ladies got divorce from their husband becasue they were charged with the infidelity. The reason Christian woman do not worship Jesus Christ penis is that Jesus look like he is the one who needs cialis coz he looks tired, hungry and barley surviving on the cross while on other hand Shivaji looks stud and virile although somewhat high sometimes. And yes bold enough to have seprent wrapped around his neck.
I'm just saying bruv!!
Mangale.
Last edited: 18-Apr-13 07:24 PM

 
Posted on 04-19-13 12:30 PM     [Snapshot: 994]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Anne,
Okay, so it seems I missed the vulva part. Actually, I revisited some google images of shiva linga and realized that it actually stands erect on a vulva, so the entire shiva linga is not just shiva’s genital but it is the picture of penetration as a whole. Dang, I am enlightened. I wonder if my grandma knew that.
Also copulation “is representative of the most wonderful and miraculous feature of life itself.” Thanks to whoever wrote it, I didn’t know (insert sarcasm here).
Now, I do not want to write about pseudo-feminists here, it could be an epic. J
Thank you Anne, that ‘dhunga and disa’ analogy was remarkable.
Freedom,
Understandable, I am sure sex is the last thing on a woman’s mind when she worships Shiva Linga, but in a nation where speaking of sex is taboo among women (at least the majority thinks so), how would a foreigner interpret it?
“Geeta is a good girl, she thinks having a boyfriend is very very bad, but she worships a penis every morning”
Vivant,
Thank you. I have heard about the trilogy, my brother was speaking about it the other day, it seems that it is highly entertaining therefore he reads it on a train to work. I have few books I need to finish first, after that I shall read them all.

Baba,

Appreciate that.
Snurp,
Been a long time, I concur, most women barely know what they are doing, and actually some think it is just the holy stone that somehow looks like shivaji. I am an agnostic theist, and over the time I have learnt to look for validated truth than blindly believe in mythological canons, but then not everyone is as stupid as me.
BTW, I do know that joke.
 
Thane,
Appreciate that. And Anne could never go wrong with her analogies.
 
Metta,
Thank you.
 
Karnali,
Again, this was just a humor, I didn’t want to ridicule anyone’s belief. I do have a picture of shivaji at my place as well and I do not really believe in idol worship.
 
28th,
Hence a rant son, but guess you were looking for a research paper.  
Mangale,
I should have attributed this post to you, it was actually conceived after reading your posts, but then my humor is not par excellence unlike yours, nevertheless, it was worth trying and I am glad you liked it.
Just a question, what would have happen if there were men in that pond instead of women?

 
Posted on 04-19-13 2:15 PM     [Snapshot: 1047]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Beehove_me,
Yours humor/sarcasm is over the par, man. And if the men were in the pond, I would say they would get water burn unless if it was Chuck Norris's semen, then they would have become pregnant as well. lol

 
Posted on 04-23-13 4:13 PM     [Snapshot: 1229]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Posted on 04-24-13 1:27 PM     [Snapshot: 1418]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Posted on 04-24-13 4:51 PM     [Snapshot: 1462]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Looking at the responses on this thread, I know I am going to get flack for my response here. Also, I have always enjoyed Behoove's writings in the past and have commented likewise; so this might come as a sad comment.

I am not a religious person by any means but I do respect beliefs. Belief is what makes us human, it's a manifestation of our brain and each one will have a different manifestation. As long as some one's belief doesn't hurt me or anybody else, I try to respect that belief. Your writing slightly crossed that line for me, even though, I know it is a humor piece.

I am not going to raise a hell for this, nor would I protest vehemently. However, I do feel that I should respond in this thread with my disapproving comment. Call me narrow minded, call me sensitive. Honestly, I didn't find it that humorous, maybe because I found it a little insulting.

Again, I am not advocating banning this post or burning your effigy (please); I am only posting a response to your post and this is the first time I didn't enjoy your writing; matter of fact I cringed.
 
Posted on 04-25-13 7:16 AM     [Snapshot: 1532]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Poontedai,
Very apt indeed, I’d like to resonate what Anne mentioned on her reply above. We are so besotted by our mythological idols we seem oblivious about the reality.
 
Drpilot,
That guruji has an interesting point, and I was surprised how articulate he was, his guise completely fooled me for few seconds. Maybe he is right, and he arguably has more knowledge about the galaxy and other astronomical (literally speaking) facts. However I am still struggling to understand what Shivaji had to do with it. Again, maybe you were just trying to bring forth the significance of shiva linga and I am not challenging you by any means, I just wondered why guruji didn’t speak anything about shivaji.
 
Kiddo,
Not my best write-up, not at all (not that I write any better than this any other time, but still….) and quite honestly I am pleased that you cared to think otherwise. It is but just a matter of perspectives, so no love lost there. And yes it was a humor, and I could have just asked you to read it with a pinch of salt but then you know and I know that maybe it was a little beyond humor. I am an agnostic theist, and just like you have issues over someone making defamatory comment about shivaji, I make an effort to understand if it suits educated individuals like us to believe in idol worship fanatically. I guess my point is, could we just resort to little more educated beliefs?
 
Again, I do appreciate you voicing out your concern without calling names and not coming across as a combative zealot.
 
Posted on 04-25-13 8:11 AM     [Snapshot: 1548]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@Behoove
Well said. Yes, I am definitely not a religious zealot; I even venture into atheist territory. But I do respect beliefs.
Point noted about respecting educated beliefs. Let me give you one example. A friend of mine touches his car's handle with his elbow before he opens the car. Whenever he takes name of his kids, he has to take name of all three; his reasoning? He thinks something bad will happen if he doesn't include all three.
Is that logical? No. Do I support that behavior? Ofcourse not. But do I mock him infront of my other friends? No, I don't even mention that he does this things (or at least I don't associate his name with this behavior).
Is religion some kind of sickness then? I don't know, but that's not the point I am trying to make. The point I am making is what is logical and what's illogical is different to everybody. I won't claim my logic to be the "educated" one and my friend's to be uneducated one. I just give him his room to practice whatever beliefs he has..as long as he doesn't force me to touch my car's door by my elbow.
 
Posted on 04-25-13 9:09 AM     [Snapshot: 1573]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Thesedays everything you read needs to be taken with a grain of salt. It's becoming more of the norm for people to be resilient and be able to laugh at oneself. If you cannot laugh at seemingly funny things then you border the gray area of fanatics.

The example that kiddo brought about his friends belief is interesting because if kiddo had heard that someone unknown to him was doing it, then he could probably laugh about it and even joke about it. But since it's his friend he finds his lips sealed.

Behoove_me probably wouldn't be out at pasupatinath telling this piece to people out there but this is just a literary piece where he is exercising his freedom of speech.

Another beautiful piece from behoove!!


 



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