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 Arrange marriage issue

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Posted on 02-16-17 2:15 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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I had arrange marriage due to family pressure 5 years ago. Now at this point of my life, I am not sure if i love my wife. She is a nice person and I've been nothing but supportive of her throughout and have been supporting her through her education but in these 5 years i never had feelings of that euphoria. We don't have other issues. I am just so torned that i would go on and live my life without love. I don't know what i should do.
Last edited: 16-Feb-17 02:16 PM

 
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Posted on 02-16-17 4:44 PM     [Snapshot: 292]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Ujl- I see where you are getting to, which is why i gave 5 years if i would feel something towards my spouse. I do get it life isn't about euphoria and you have to manage ups and downs yourselves but there never was a chance for me to feel if i feel attracted towards or that feeling of love at least for the person that i'll be around my whole life. It's also true people fall out of love but wouldn't it be disservice to my wife as well if can't truly feel connected to her. You may say well people have managed through all life together but i have seen enough disconnect in couples that they don't even enjoy the company of each other. It may well have been covered due to our communal society back home. Here you spend the most time with your significant other and if you don't feel connected you can't help yourself but to be alone and for someone else to judge; it's not possible without passing through similar situation. Have you had a conversation with your wife when you travel that she misses you and you have to say it so even though you don't genuinly feel it. I know it's in my mind but i can't live in someone else's mind as well.
Last edited: 16-Feb-17 04:45 PM

 
Posted on 02-16-17 5:01 PM     [Snapshot: 308]     Reply [Subscribe]
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your wife is a nice person and you guys don't have other issues..
LOL..moron that is love

Since age 14 till date i had many girlfriends..some of them were nice and some were really nice..few were crazy and hot too
Now, I am heading towards arrange marriage 'cause euphoria throughout my life ended me with schizophrenia :)

 
Posted on 02-16-17 5:16 PM     [Snapshot: 366]     Reply [Subscribe]
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You always have option to get divorce , trying to fall in love, and figure out which one is better :), you never know.
 
Posted on 02-16-17 5:22 PM     [Snapshot: 376]     Reply [Subscribe]
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You support her , are nice to her and she is nice to you . Means recipe for good relationship. So what are you expecting more from her? Can you elaborate?

Do you want to feel thrill of meeting GF while you were teenager from this relationship? If that is what you are seekiing, you are wrong and foolish my friend. Hold on to what you have and make best of it since it is already working.
 
Posted on 02-16-17 5:41 PM     [Snapshot: 428]     Reply [Subscribe]
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVxCtt3s_1M
 
Posted on 02-16-17 8:31 PM     [Snapshot: 605]     Reply [Subscribe]
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हजुर कति वर्ष को हुनु भयो? भन्न मिल्छ? न रिसाउनु होला है...यसो Psychoanalysis लाइ Generalize गर्न खोज्या.

Not exactly your case. I love my wife. But this forty is not what I thought it would be. The work is routine. Oh! The monotony. Ten years back when I was working in a Gas Station, selling Black N' Milds to Ghetto kids...life was better..thrilling...Now working a decent paying job, a house, a loving family and I reminisce the Gas Station days. Because the thrill is gone. You do what makes you feel better..there is no right or wrong here.

Only recently (that too through a youtube ...old Stanford lecture note) I understood that Robert Frost did not really meant to sound regrets in the 'Road Not Taken'. In the end, he meant, it does not matter.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could...
..
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
 
Posted on 02-16-17 8:37 PM     [Snapshot: 651]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Have intimate sex often. My 2 cents
 
Posted on 02-16-17 9:04 PM     [Snapshot: 687]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@kalidasbhaisaab- thanks for the suggestion. I get that the thrill we feel when we are young isn't the same when we grow up. Seems you have some age and experience on me. Did you have an arrange marriage? The thing is when i am travelling, I don't even miss my wife much. I feel i have been used to of the experience of my wife being by my side rather than love. I know that i could be completely wrong and while i am trying to feel it this could be completely normal rather i could just be over analyzing it.
 
Posted on 02-16-17 9:45 PM     [Snapshot: 748]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Beyourself bro timlai aru kehi bhako hoina...timi bore bhayau aafno marital life dekhi.. maile bihey garera pani bahira bahira maal handai hidne keta haru bheteko chu....timi pani aba bela bela ma thailand gayera chak ko kira marne gari maal padkaune gara sab thik huncha...good luck bro.
Last edited: 16-Feb-17 09:47 PM

 
Posted on 02-16-17 11:15 PM     [Snapshot: 877]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@ustadamirkhan - if that were the case i wouldn't have come here to ask your opinion on that matter. Trying to solve a problem with another problem is never right.
 
Posted on 02-17-17 12:06 AM     [Snapshot: 939]     Reply [Subscribe]
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:)
Last edited: 08-Mar-17 09:07 AM

 
Posted on 02-17-17 12:13 AM     [Snapshot: 910]     Reply [Subscribe]
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A few tips without writing a novel, here.
When life hands you a lemon, make a lemonade or something even better. If you are not on location, stop fancying juicy oranges in Florida, hearty apples in Wisconsin, or shapely peaches in Georgia. If life hands you nothing, you don't have to worry about no sugar water cup for that damn lemonade.

Try to rekindle romance as much as you can. Be thoughtful. Get touchy-feely while relaxing together at home and make time for intimacy,of course. Each try quitting activities that is despised by the other. Letting the respective feminine or masculine expressions come out freely might enhance an intimate relationship. Men and women by nature love to do separate certain things. Make up/Cleaning up with nice outfits and going out together might release stress that otherwise might be killing off sexual urges. Both partner could contribute by taking care of physical and mental fitness. Oh yes dental hygiene too. Believe it or not I hear, humor can serve as an effective aphrodisiac. Watch comedy movies together. Each make separate wishlist and try to select the wishes that intersect when put together. Gas prices are cheap. Take a road-trip, watch the sunset and sunrise together in a romantic setting. Create and capture memories of your younger selves. Your spouse is your lover, friend, confidant. It is each other's duty to make the other have a content and happy life. Also, you have family members, and among them some of them are genuine well-wishers ( real friends ) who will be happy to see you and spouse happy. On the contrary, if you have an unsuccessful life, it will worry them too.

Remember this:
Man [ woman ] is born free, and everywhere he is in chains- Rousseau
If you do the right thing, the karma will reward you in the near future promptly.

 
Posted on 02-17-17 12:15 AM     [Snapshot: 921]     Reply [Subscribe]
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It looks like you don't know for sure whether your relationship has what is called "Love", am I correct? If that is the case, you will need to do an experiment. Send your wife to her parents (if possible) for about a month. During that time, try to live a regular life -do cooking, cleaning, household chores, etc. by yourself, hand wash your wife's clothes even if they aren't so dirty .....Ok. Don't watch any porn or try to even think about having another girl....put yourself on "self- inflicted" test of a "simple life". Within this period, call her everyday ...tell her that you washed her clothes today....you cooked the food she often liked....keep washing her clothes and try to feel her "omnipresence" now. Question yourself: Am I still ok without her? If you have some sense of "missing" you are in love. Like poet Madhav Ghimire says, if both of you really enjoy having "Peanuts and Oranges" on sunny day while talking about the taste, or both of you like hiking/walking together and enjoy it, remember that you are in love. Otherwise you would not enjoy or even get along with. that euphoria thing is not real and rather a source of "evil" ...forget that ...
 
Posted on 02-17-17 2:17 PM     [Snapshot: 1267]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Hello, it is good that you came out to share your issue. That is one of the right thing in IMO. I am not sure if I understood your case clearly- however, from the information you shared, I think you are in a kind of confused state. Which is fine from my angle. You spent 5-long years together, that's great! Now you both know each other little bit. It's time to spice up your relationship and make it stronger and grow older. We all (at least majority!) go through this state of confusion- remember a German politician suggested to make marriage an agreement for 7-years only; if you like the marriage renew it, otherwise you both are free birds....

It's about right time (5 years) for the majority of married couples (who are still childless) their relationship is monotonous. Same person, same sex, possibly similar positions: in a way you know what to expect next..... How about taking some leadership role and exploring her more? Have you asked her if she is happy the way it is? Have you tried to change your everyday routine? Have you asked her to go out with you just for fun?  

In the meantime, couples who have kids by 5/6 years, they have some other reasons to continue the relationship- KIDS and that is family! From your post I sensed that you may not have kids yet. If you both want kids, have them...

If I were you, I would ask her: a. how she evaluates the relationship? b. if she wants to be the mom? c. if sex life is juicy enough? I am pretty sure she will bring a novel worth of issues. Then try to find solutions with her for each of the issues. Remember, she is just like you and the mantra is "Compromise". 

Whether you "arranged" or "loved" your marriage, if you have been husband and wife for 5 years, you both love each other.

Therefore, try to understand each other and spice up the relationship! You can do it and it is the right thing to do! Good luck!!!
Last edited: 17-Feb-17 02:22 PM

 
Posted on 02-17-17 3:17 PM     [Snapshot: 1360]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@ Public.....As far as I know he never loved his wife. It was an arranged marriage for him and he was kinda pressured.
 
Posted on 02-18-17 12:34 AM     [Snapshot: 1604]     Reply [Subscribe]
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The reason you were pressured in the first place was you were not able to get a girlfriend. But I am sure you know the reason why you were single and why family pressured you. Just try to work it out.
 
Posted on 02-18-17 8:35 AM     [Snapshot: 1756]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Agreed with Jabhless.
You are not attracted to a women that is so called your arranged marriage wife or any women ?

 Evaluate yourself: if you are not attracted to any female and you are not a age to slow down for love and making love, are you attracted by male? just asking a question.
Last edited: 19-Feb-17 01:26 PM

 
Posted on 02-18-17 1:36 PM     [Snapshot: 1902]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Misleading title: the core problem here is not the way u were married but your inability to work things out with your spouse.
- Any kind of relationship is a bit of work. Forget about your spouse, you probably dont get along with your parents all the time and thats okay. Thats part of it but you dont ignore or dump your parents, do you? For that matter, it could be anybody.
- No body can make you love or hate a person. Before you jump to any conclusions, jot down the points that makes you feel your marriage is not working for you. You said your wife is not the problem so it might be you. If your the problem, getting away from her wont solve anything. Even if you guys separate, whats next for you? Do you see any silver lining or dark clouds ahead of you?

 
Posted on 02-18-17 3:02 PM     [Snapshot: 1958]     Reply [Subscribe]
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OP what is it that you seek in your life or your relationship with your spouse?
Let me tell you a true story, alright here it goes;
I used to live with a very kind person, a little over a decade ago. He owned a house had a US citizenship through marriage which fell apart (south asian btw). He helped me in my college days like a brother, didnt take a dime from me for rent other than me buying groceries and doing house chores. His parents found him a nice girl and had arrange marriage. As he processed for her to come to USA with proper papers, he used to talk about the whole awkward situation he would be in when she arrives. He was so down on the whole situation that one day he even suggested i take care of her and be her man if she permits. I couldnt believe what i had just heard. Mind you, this is not some ill-will wishing kind of a guy. To this day i havent met as generous or kind person in my life leaving my parents, ofcourse. So, she arrives and he makes me pick her up from the airport and the whole situation with them while i was there with them for 3 months was super awkward. I moved to different state and used to talk to him and he just didnt have any love for her as he was some kind of robot.

After a year they had a baby and the whole relationship changed. Now they got three kids happily living life to the fullest. To each his/her own, Marriage to me is settling down and time for kids. Maybe this will change how you view life or relationships in general terms. Be content with what you have, dont go looking around somebody elses pocket.
 
Posted on 02-19-17 1:56 PM     [Snapshot: 2390]     Reply [Subscribe]
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मेरो बिचारमा म-नेपाली ले अर्को नाम बात खाता खोले जस्तो छ अनि अरुका कमेन्ट मेटाउदै छौ ? Do not control thread deleting others. I am guessing you may be attracted to a male. Go to the doctor and get an evaluation.
Last edited: 19-Feb-17 01:56 PM

 



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